{"id":4642,"date":"2012-09-06T12:40:20","date_gmt":"2012-09-06T16:40:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/?p=4642"},"modified":"2018-08-03T21:48:26","modified_gmt":"2018-08-04T01:48:26","slug":"wednesday-september-5-2012-journey-to-the-center-of-myself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/?p=4642","title":{"rendered":"Wednesday, September 6, 2012 \u2014 Journey to the Center of Myself"},"content":{"rendered":"

In Snef\u00adflls Iokulis kraterem kem deli\u00adbat umbra Skar\u00adtaris Iulii intra kalen\u00addas desk\u00adende, audas uia\u00adtor, te ter\u00adrestre ken\u00adtrum attinges. Kod feki. Arne Saknussemm.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Away from com\u00adput\u00aders for awhile, as I\u2019ve spent some time out in Ice\u00adland\u2019s spec\u00adtac\u00adu\u00adlar land\u00adscape. The inte\u00adri\u00ador of the island is vir\u00adtu\u00adal\u00adly unin\u00adhab\u00adit\u00aded, but even the coastal areas are large\u00adly moun\u00adtains bare of trees, roads, build\u00adings and peo\u00adple. The moun\u00adtain\u00adsides are extra\u00ador\u00addi\u00adnar\u00adi\u00adly steep, and often unclimbable as they con\u00adsist of loose peb\u00adbles on which you can get lit\u00adtle foothold. You look for patch\u00ades of green, which usu\u00adal\u00adly mean the slope is gen\u00adtle enough for the moss\u00ades and grass\u00ades to take hold. Most of the moun\u00adtains are slabs cre\u00adat\u00aded by ancient lava flows, and they are bro\u00adken into cliffs of aston\u00adish\u00ading sharp\u00adness. Mixed in with these are vol\u00adcanic cin\u00adder-cones. It is pos\u00adsi\u00adble to walk enor\u00admous dis\u00adtances, with an unim\u00adped\u00aded view of many miles, and not see a sin\u00adgle per\u00adson. But you always run across sheep, and, in low\u00ader areas, untend\u00aded hors\u00ades. Walk\u00ading over long stretch\u00ades of this land\u00adscape requires a will\u00ading\u00adness to accept sud\u00adden and unpleas\u00adant changes of weath\u00ader. It may be warm and sun\u00adny, but an icy wind may pick up at any time, or rain clouds roll in with\u00adin minutes. <\/span><\/p>\n

It was my ambi\u00adtion, since the first plan\u00adning of this trip, to climb Sn\u00e6fell\u00adsj\u00f6kull. I have now ful\u00adfilled this ambi\u00adtion, though it took a lot out of me. I\u2019m not so phys\u00adi\u00adcal\u00adly well-suit\u00aded for this sort of thing, anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a>

The Defi\u00adant Ram<\/p><\/div>\n

I start\u00aded from the ocean shore, just east of the fish\u00ading port of \u00d3lafsv\u00edk. The blue North Atlantic lapped rhyth\u00admi\u00adcal\u00adly on the beach. The path towards the extinct vol\u00adcano was guard\u00aded by a defi\u00adant ram, who seemed to object to me turn\u00ading up the grav\u00adel road, and was not in the least afraid of me. About twen\u00adty km of walk\u00ading would bring me to the glac\u00adi\u00ader \u2014 not a great dis\u00adtance, but it would be all uphill. The road, of which the ram was so pos\u00adses\u00adsive, was not much more than grav\u00adel\u00adly car track even at its begin\u00adning, and it would dete\u00adri\u00ado\u00adrate sig\u00adnif\u00adi\u00adcant\u00adly after a short dis\u00adtance. My plan was to take it as far as I could, then switch to open ter\u00adrain when I had to.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sn\u00e6fells [Sn\u00e6fell\u00adsj\u00f6kull<\/em> prop\u00ader\u00adly refers to the glac\u00adi\u00ader on top of it] is pos\u00adsi\u00adbly the first moun\u00adtain I knew by name, unless you count the minis\u00adcule Kamisko\u00adtia \u2018moun\u00adtains\u2019 of the Por\u00adcu\u00adpine region of North\u00adern Ontario, which rise no high\u00ader than a few hun\u00addred feet. Sn\u00e6fells ris\u00ades 1833 meters from sea lev\u00adel, mak\u00ading it one of Ice\u00adland\u2019s taller moun\u00adtains. In Jules Verne\u00b4s Voy\u00adage au cen\u00adtre de la terre <\/em>(1864), the stal\u00adwart Vic\u00adto\u00adri\u00adan-era heroes are led by a mys\u00adte\u00adri\u00adous cypher (quot\u00aded above) to the crater of Sn\u00e6fells, from which they descend deep into the inte\u00adri\u00ador of the earth (not to its exact cen\u00adter, as the Eng\u00adlish trans\u00adla\u00adtion of the title sug\u00adgests). Sn\u00e6fell\u00adsj\u00f6kull is also the locale of one of the sil\u00adli\u00adest of the Ice\u00adlandic sagas, the B\u00e1r\u00f0ar saga Sn\u00e6fell\u00ads\u00e1ss<\/em>, which should be read by those who inter\u00adpret the sagas as real\u00adis\u00adtic nov\u00adels or reli\u00adable chron\u00adi\u00adcles. It has a smor\u00adgas\u00adbord of mir\u00ada\u00adcles, giants, trolls, and absur\u00addi\u00adties. But I was\u00adn\u2019t seek\u00ading trolls and giants, and did\u00adn\u2019t expect to find any route to the inte\u00adri\u00ador of the earth \u2014 I was more inter\u00adest\u00aded in the cen\u00adter of myself. I usu\u00adal\u00adly under\u00adtake such ven\u00adtures into the wild in order to think through per\u00adson\u00adal prob\u00adlems, and I have some weighty ones to deal with, of late.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

The going was tough, even on the road. The grade was steep, with no reliev\u00ading hor\u00adi\u00adzon\u00adtal stretch\u00ades. Bro\u00adken up lava, pumice and ash are not a kind sur\u00adface. But the land\u00adscape was breath-tak\u00ading. It was not long before I could look at the sea, far bel\u00adlow, and at fish\u00ading trawlers bob\u00adbing in the Atlantic. With no for\u00adest, the moun\u00adtains were a con\u00adfus\u00ading jum\u00adble of abstract shapes, and it was impos\u00adsi\u00adble to tell what was near and far, what was big and small. This prob\u00adlem of judg\u00ading dis\u00adtances got more seri\u00adous when I left the road. I had to rely on guess\u00adwork to guide me in climb\u00ading steep slopes of sharp peb\u00adbles, nav\u00adi\u00adgat\u00ading around thou\u00adsands of boul\u00adders, and great fields of a spongy lichen which is famil\u00adiar to me from the Cana\u00addi\u00adan arc\u00adtic. My main fear was that I would mis\u00adcal\u00adcu\u00adlate time, and find myself at too high an alti\u00adtude at night\u00adfall. For\u00adtu\u00adnate\u00adly, the days are very long in Ice\u00adland\u2019s September. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

The slow progress, usu\u00adal\u00adly requir\u00ading only rou\u00adtine atten\u00adtion, allowed me plen\u00adty of time to think. This is the kind of place I go to for seri\u00adous think\u00ading, prob\u00ada\u00adbly because they under\u00adline the soli\u00adtude that is the recur\u00adring theme of my life. I\u2019ve lived most of my life alone \u2014 far more alone than most peo\u00adple ever expe\u00adri\u00adence. It has not been my choice, mere\u00adly the way the cards have been dealt. This is why soli\u00adtary jour\u00adneys through forests, deserts, and waste\u00adlands fig\u00adure promi\u00adnent\u00adly in both my fic\u00adtion writ\u00ading and in my real life. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

When I crossed a fresh snow\u00adfall and came over a crest, the sum\u00admit of Sn\u00e6fells came into view. The sum\u00admit is a black spike of rock stick\u00ading up like a fin\u00adger through the glac\u00adi\u00ader. This is an entire\u00adly new phe\u00adnom\u00ade\u00adnon: through\u00adout the thou\u00adsand years of his\u00adto\u00adry that humans have known Sn\u00e6fells, the actu\u00adal black, rocky peak has nev\u00ader been seen until this year, when the dra\u00admat\u00adic shriv\u00adel\u00adling of the glac\u00adi\u00ader revealed it. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

Just before I left for this trip, I had some very dis\u00adcour\u00adag\u00ading news. For three months, now, my left should has been extreme\u00adly painful, and my left arm is restrict\u00aded in its mobil\u00adi\u00adty. The pain varies in inten\u00adsi\u00adty, but it is always there, and often it is strong enough to pre\u00advent me from sleep\u00ading. Any twist\u00ading of the arm, or abrupt motion can be extreme\u00adly painful. It has act\u00aded as an irri\u00adtant, mak\u00ading my tem\u00adper sour. Over the last month, I\u2019ve wast\u00aded a good deal of time tak\u00ading car\u00addiac tests, which med\u00adical pro\u00adto\u00adcol insists must be done first, though I was cer\u00adtain the prob\u00adlem was mechan\u00adi\u00adcal or neu\u00adro\u00adlog\u00adi\u00adcal. A few days before I left, it was made clear that the prob\u00ada\u00adble cause is a mus\u00adcle that has been frayed and dam\u00adaged in my shoul\u00adder, a side effect of the work I do deliv\u00ader\u00ading den\u00adtal mate\u00adr\u00adi\u00adal for a lab\u00ado\u00adra\u00adto\u00adry. I walked around every day with a bag of rea\u00adson\u00adably heavy mate\u00adr\u00adi\u00adal slung on that shoul\u00adder, and the rep\u00ade\u00adti\u00adtion, rather than the weight itself, has done the dam\u00adage. I am not a salaried employ\u00adee, but a con\u00adtract work\u00ader with\u00adout ben\u00ade\u00adfits. When the pain start\u00aded, I switched the shoul\u00adder I use. How\u00adev\u00ader, it is like\u00adly that this will do the same thing to the oth\u00ader shoul\u00adder, in time. So I can\u2019t pur\u00adsue that kind of work much longer. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

I had count\u00aded on the deliv\u00adery job to keep my rent and expens\u00ades paid while I write two books \u2014 one a syn\u00adthe\u00adsis of my aca\u00add\u00ade\u00adm\u00adic work in his\u00adto\u00adry and social issues, the oth\u00ader a sec\u00adond nov\u00adel. The first nov\u00adel nev\u00ader found a pub\u00adlish\u00ader, but I still believe that what I have to say is best said in fic\u00adtion\u00adal form. How\u00adev\u00ader, I have been more suc\u00adcess\u00adful in writ\u00ading non-fic\u00adtion, and my small rep\u00adu\u00adta\u00adtion is mak\u00ading it plau\u00adsi\u00adble that I can put togeth\u00ader a pub\u00adlish\u00adable book. The phys\u00adi\u00adcal demands of the deliv\u00adery job have always tak\u00aden a lot out of me, and progress in both of these books has been slow. But I\u2019ve not had to wor\u00adry about pay\u00ading the rent, and I live com\u00adfort\u00adably in a lit\u00adtle apart\u00adment. Some shoe\u00adstring adven\u00adtures, such as this one to Ice\u00adland, have kept me sane. They cut into my secu\u00adri\u00adty, but with\u00adout them I would live so hope\u00adless\u00adly as to make the effort futile. <\/span><\/p>\n

Now, it seems, I can\u00adnot main\u00adtain the deliv\u00adery job too much longer with\u00adout turn\u00ading myself into a crip\u00adple. I am con\u00adfront\u00aded with a much greater urgency to get my intel\u00adlec\u00adtu\u00adal work done. Over the next year, I must estab\u00adlish myself as a suc\u00adcess\u00adful pro\u00adfes\u00adsion\u00adal. This is not the age of Dar\u00adwin, when an ama\u00adteur coun\u00adtry par\u00adson could shake the world with his thoughts. I have nev\u00ader been any\u00adthing more than an upstart ama\u00adteur, and that has to change. So, over the next year, I will be under great pres\u00adsure to accom\u00adplish some very dif\u00adfi\u00adcult goals. I will have to sharp\u00aden my con\u00adcen\u00adtra\u00adtion, increase my work\u00adload, and elim\u00adi\u00adnate side-tracks. <\/span><\/p>\n

The crit\u00adi\u00adcal fac\u00adtor in this is morale, which has always been my Achilles\u2019 heal. I long ago resigned myself to the fact that I would nev\u00ader have any of the things in life that most peo\u00adple take for grant\u00aded as their due, and I would nev\u00ader get from peo\u00adple any of the nor\u00admal forms of respect. It is not the kind of life I would have cho\u00adsen for myself, and I would not wish it on any\u00adone else, but it is what I\u2019m stuck with. It makes for a weary\u00ading, cold way of life, punc\u00adtu\u00adat\u00aded by bouts of despair. But I can no longer afford to tol\u00ader\u00adate some aspects of it. To sur\u00advive, I will have to con\u00adcen\u00adtrate on the few peo\u00adple who show at least some signs of warmth and affec\u00adtion, and those who at least respect my work. The work I\u2019ve done over my life\u00adtime has been hard and flinty stuff, dri\u00adven by a desire to learn truths, and I think it deserves some respect. So any\u00adone who has nei\u00adther respect for my work, nor warmth and affec\u00adtion to offer, I must remove from my atten\u00adtion. I can no longer afford to do any\u00adthing else. <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

When the peak of Sn\u00e6fells hove into view, the lush musi\u00adcal score that Bernard Her\u00admann com\u00adposed for the 1959 film of Jour\u00adney to the Cen\u00adter of the Earth<\/em> popped into my head. It stayed there, play\u00ading in snatch\u00ades as I made my way to the glac\u00adi\u00ader. The glac\u00adi\u00ader has been retreat\u00ading quick\u00adly, and has left bar\u00adren, scraped alley-ways that betray its for\u00admer pres\u00adence as vivid\u00adly as a skele\u00adton betrays the for\u00admer pres\u00adence of a human. When I reached the ice, it did not take much trav\u00adel on its sur\u00adface to see that it was too dan\u00adger\u00adous to pro\u00adceed. Above me were crevices and stress lines in the ice show\u00ading just how rot\u00adten the under\u00adly\u00ading ice sheet must be. I would be a fool to climb much high\u00ader. But I had walked upon the glac\u00adi\u00ader, and I had seen what I most want\u00aded to see.<\/span><\/p>\n

By the time I made it back down to the sea, my hik\u00ading shoes had been torn to shreds. Now they are held togeth\u00ader with elec\u00adtri\u00adcal tape. I had dressed well, but I had still caught a chill. By the time I got to the vil\u00adlage of Stykk\u00adish\u00f3l\u00admur, I had a rag\u00ading head cold. This has per\u00adsist\u00aded, but I am soothed by the amni\u00adot\u00adic plea\u00adsure of geot\u00adher\u00admal bath. These mar\u00advel\u00adlous things abound in Ice\u00adland. Now that I know them, I\u2019m heart\u00adbro\u00adken that I can\u2019t have them back home (unless I move to British Columbia). <\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In Snef\u00adflls Iokulis kraterem kem deli\u00adbat umbra Skar\u00adtaris Iulii intra kalen\u00addas desk\u00adende, audas uia\u00adtor, te ter\u00adrestre ken\u00adtrum attinges. Kod feki. Arne Saknussemm. Away from com\u00adput\u00aders for awhile, as I\u2019ve spent some time out in Ice\u00adland\u2019s spec\u00adtac\u00adu\u00adlar land\u00adscape. The inte\u00adri\u00ador of the \u2026<\/p>\n

Read more \u00bb<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wp_typography_post_enhancements_disabled":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,932],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4642","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-a-blog","category-ao-blog-2012"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4642","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4642"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4642\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7581,"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4642\/revisions\/7581"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4642"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4642"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.philpaine.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4642"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}